Catching Sparrows

Do you think whoever came up with the idea of having Patton Oswalt give the graduation speech at his old high school said, “Hey, that funny guy who voiced Ratatouille graduated from here. Pixar is wholesome. Let’s get him!” (Kind of like some teachers saying, “Hey, the kids really like this funny little dance by some military fellow named Soulja Boy - and it talks about Superman! It’d really engage them if I dance to that at the front of the classroom!”)

Anyway, they got a bit more than they probably bargained for, but not a bad speech at all, in my opinion. (If we can’t bring on edgy comedians during graduation, then when can we prove to them we’re just like them, man, really, deep down, we’re still cool.  I kid, I kid.)

I’d have liked Oswalt’s speech a lot better than the one our valedictorian gave, which listed all the amazing ways she’d helped save the world through her one-charity-a-semester and if only people would be more generous and selfless like her more socially aware we could all mount the steps to the stage of our lives and testify behind a multi-use podium in a converted sports arena to two hundred teenagers tossing beach balls and condoms in the air.

From The Intro:

First off, I want to thank the teachers and faculty of Broad Run High School for first considering and then inviting me to speak here. It was flattering, I am touched and humbled, and you have made a grave mistake.

I’m being paid for this, right? Oh, wait, there’s some advice, right off the bat – always get paid. If you make enough money in this world you can smoke pot all day and have people killed.

I’m sorry, that was irresponsible.

You shouldn’t have people killed.

Boom! Marijuana endorsement eleven seconds into my speech! Too late to cancel me now!

The Myth of Myself:

And I remember, I’m sitting at this dinner, with a bunch of other kids from the other local high schools. And I’m trying my pathetic best to look cool and mysterious, because I was 17 and so into the myth of myself. Remember, this dinner and this scholarship was happening to me.

And I figured this banker guy was a nice guy but hey, I’m the special one at the table. I had a view of the world, where I was eternally Bill Murray in Stripes. I’d be the one with the quips and insights at this dinner. This old man in a suit doesn’t have anything to teach me beyond signing that check. I’ve got a cool mullet and a skinny leather tie from Chess King. And check out my crazy suspenders with the piano keys on them. Have you ever seen Blackadder? ‘Cuz I’ll recite it.

Lessons Learned:

So I will leave you with some final advice. You’ll decide later if this was a lesson. And if you realize there was no lesson in any of this, then that was a lesson.

But I’d like all of you to enter this world, and your exploration of the Five Environments, better armed then I was. And without a mullet. Which I see you’re all way ahead of me on.

First off: Reputation, Posterity and Cool are traps. They’ll drain the life from your life. Reputation, Posterity and Cool = Fear.

Let me put that another way. Bob Hope once said, “When I was twenty, I worried what everything thought of me. When I turned forty, I didn’t care what anyone thought of me. And then I made it to sixty, and I realized no one was ever thinking of me.” And then he pooed his pants, but that didn’t make what he said any less profound.

Secondly: The path is made by walking. And when you’re walking that path, you choose how things affect you. You always have that freedom, no matter how much your liberty it curtailed. You…get to choose…how things affect you.

And lastly, and I guarantee this. It’s the one thing I know ‘cause I’ve experienced it:

There Is No Them.

Go read the whole thing. Really.